Early Research About Resumé

I was cleaning some of my stuff (I’m not yet done) such as sketches, studies, etc and I found this print out I have when I was a fresh graduate (I think). This was probably around 2003-2004. It made me laugh...then worried if it was the truth or not back then. So far though, some of them are true.

I wasn't able to jot down where I got it from. Just for the record, this is not mine and I'm sharing it you for laughs. Enjoy!

OFFICE DICTIONARY

“APPLY IN PERSON”
- If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
- We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
- You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
- You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
- You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
- Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

“I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION”
- I’ve used Microsoft Office.

“I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE”
- I pilfer office supplies.

“MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES”
- I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

“I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK”
- I blame others for my mistakes.

“I’M PERSONABLE”
- I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.

“I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL”
- I carry a Day-Timer.

“I AM ADAPTABLE”
- I’ve changed jobs a lot.

“I AM ON THE GO”
- I’m never at my desk.

“I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED”
- The minute I find a better job, I’m outta here.

“COMPETITIVE SALARY”
- We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”
- We have no time to train you.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
- We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.

“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”
- You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
- Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“DUTIES WILL VARY”
- Anyone in the office can boss you round.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
- We have no quality control.

“CAREER-MINDED”
- Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“I’M NOT A CLOCK-WATCHER”
- But I will check my JOTD…everyday!

- - - o - - -

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”

- - - o - - -

It’s Monday and we all know that! You can feel it in your brain...you’re a little tired...a little flustered...and a little annoyed that you have to wake up and get going on your weekday routine...here’s a little inspiration on a Monday morning...

There’s nothing to fear --- you’re as good as the best, as strong as the mightiest, too. You can win in every battle or test; for the there’s no one just like you. There’s only one you in the world today: So nobody else, you see, can do your work in as fine a way: You’re the only you there’ll be!

So face the world, and all life is yours to conquer and love and live: And you’ll find the happiness that endures in just the measure you give; there’s nothing too good for you to possess, nor heights where you cannot go: Your power is more than belief or guess --- It is something you have to know.

There’s nothing to fear --- you can and you will. For you are the invincible you. Set your foot on the highest hill ---There’s nothing you cannot do.

Now you go...and you know...make today the best...until tomorrow...a great Monday...

WHAT NOT TO PUT ON YOUR RESUMÉ

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
» Responsibility makes me nervous.
» They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.
» Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
» I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
» The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
» While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that if be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
» I was proud to win the Gregg Typing Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
» Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
» My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
» I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
» Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:
» Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
» Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
» Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.
» Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
» I’m a rabid typist.
» Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.